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college has eaten me alive. i've pretty much disappeared off the planet. my muse has been sucked out from me, and the work NEVER ENDS. BAH. >.<

i'm sorry for not being around. i still love you all, though. i wish i knew how to manage my time better.


Sorry about the emo entry a moment ago. This whole moving out thing has really got me twisted. It's bringing up other crap that must still be unresolved or some such shit. Annoying? Hell yes.
I was looking back through my old call lists and saw his number. There were times when only it filled the pages on my phone, him calling me. I checked the dates; there were a few that hadn't been automatically deleted yet, ones before it all went to hell. It felt like I was looking back on a time that didn't really exist, a dream time. I deleted all my call history. I couldn't bear the familiarity, the rightness when I saw his number - typed it in. The ease, anything... That doesn't mean those seven fucking digits haven't been burned into my brain.

No, I haven't moved on. But I can at least pretend like I have.

I'm not ready for this change. I'm not sure if I can take losing everything I know again, so quickly. Fuck. This. Shit.

Jul. 16th, 2009

sorry i haven't been around much; it's kinda hard for me to sit around the house... i feel better when i'm out. <3
oh, and HBP was goooooood. and even better at midnight. xD
I am 95% sure that he's back with his toxic, practically abusive ex-girlfriend (now girlfriend).
I couldn't sleep last night, even with a sleeping pill. The dreams about him and her and me kept waking me up.

If he could have done anything to rid me of my devotion to him, that was it. Getting back with her, that is. I have to live with my father being in toxic and unhealthy relationships; I don't need another man like that. I had planned way back when before we were together that if he didn't break up with her, then I would have to cut him out of my life. Now, I'm following through with it. I'm sad, but I know it's what's right.

He's getting everything back he ever gave me. Except the GPS - I'm keeping that for damage compensation.

Writer's Block: Dog Day Afternoon

The Dog Days of summer, the hottest days of the year in the Northern Hemisphere, start today. What's your favorite thing to do in hot weather?
Holy hell, really? It's going to get hotter? I don't know if I could take anymore of the heat. The goddamn humidity is sooooo oppressive. >.<

And nothing! Stay inside and do nothing... which I hate doing.
if you have a fucking problem with how i deal with MY issues, you should go fuck yourself and keep your goddamn opinion to yourself. i suggest no one mess with me right now, because i am far from being in the mood to deal with ANY kind of shit.

hah. yeah, you try being madly in love & in a relationship with one of your best friends and then having them be gone. i'm sure you'd be perfectly okay the next day. fucktard.


Writer's Block: Prying Eyes

Have you ever read someone's private writings (journal, diary, email, letters, etc.) without their permission?
He called yesterday and said that he can't talk to me at all. And that it's better for us that way.
And then disconnected his phone.
It was just the kick in the balls I needed.
I was fighting a lost battle, trying to hold on to something that I shouldn't have.
I've accepted it now.
I don't think we're over completely, whether simply friendship or otherwise... but I'm not going to sit around and wait. I'm not giving it a time frame. I'm going to work to get over it. Work to move on.

It'll take some time, but I know I'll be okay. I'm hurt beyond belief, but I've accepted it.
I'll be okay.